


Unsteady

by twinkphilip



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, M/M, Mild Language, Sad, Smut, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 08:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11917152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinkphilip/pseuds/twinkphilip
Summary: Lukas is done with it all. He's done pretending.Its been 4 years since him and Philip called it quits, 4 years since Lukas lost the love of his life, and 4 years since Lukas lost all happiness. Lukas isn't coping so well.**Trigger warnings apply!**





	Unsteady

Panic attacks got increasingly harder to deal with after he left. After they had split up. After everything ended. At first it was just shortened phone calls, and then it went from seeing each other every week, to only seeing each other once every two weeks. But they both knew it was really over when Lukas picked up the phone and all Philip could talk about was not how much he missed Lukas, but how much he really likes his new study partner, Adam. 

 

“Philip.” Lukas said, tired of hearing about Adam. 

 

“Yeah?” Philip said, a little caught off guard from the bitterness in Lukas’ voice. 

 

“I think it’s over.” Lukas could hear Philip take in a sharp breath.

 

“I know.” the words also came out like a whisper. Like it was the first time that Philip had ever thought about this, but they both knew that it wasn’t. They both knew that the phone calls, and the visits, were all getting shorter for a reason. 

 

“I still love you.” Philip sniffled. “I’m really sorry.”

 

If there was anything that Lukas hated more than that stupid killer from the cabin, it was definitely hearing Philip cry. He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t sit there and listen to the love of his life cry. So he hung up. He hung up the call that night. But he also hung up on his chance at love, and at his chance at starting a new life. 

 

4 Years Later.

 

Lukas lies. He lies to himself. To his dad. To his new very female fiance, and just to the world in general. It’s like he’s stuck in this irreversible routine. Wake up, go to his stupid job where he sits at his stupid desk, go home and listen to Deya drone on about her job, and then go to bed. He’s stuck in this loop of nothingness, with all these lies, and he can’t help but feel trapped. Like he’s drowning. He wants it all to end. He wants to hit a rewind button that will somehow take him back to four years ago, when he had Philip, and when he had Helen and Gabe to support him. Gabe was like a real dad to him, but when he lost Philip, he just lost them too. His real dad, however, is more supportive than ever, now that he’s finally gotten rid of that Philip, and finally isn’t a fag. It’s a lie, but his dad is dumb enough to believe it. 

 

The last two months have been particularly hard. With Deya off on a work trip to Asia with her boss, and his dad being in and out of hospitals for his alcoholism, Lukas is ready to do it. He’s ready to finally end it all, just like he’d been thinking about doing for the last year. He’s ready, has everything written out, his will attached to a suicide note is sitting on the table in the living room. He has already sent a text to his dad, saying sorry for never being the son he wanted him to be. A message to Helen and Gabe, thanking them for all they did for him. Nobody would figure out from those texts what’s really going on, but some part of him wants someone to. He wants someone to save him. He knows how to do this, grab the gun, pull the trigger. He had tried this when he was 18, but hadn’t gone through with it. Maybe it would be easier if he was standing on the roof instead, watching happy families drive by as he jumped. Back when he was 18 there was so much to live for. Philip, and Rose, and even his dad. But now, he has nothing. He is nothing.

 

He had typed out his message for Philip a few days before he actually knew he was going to do it. He stored it away in his phone’s notes app. It was the hardest to write. It was the longest one of them all. But he had sent it in the morning, before everyone else’s. Lukas is halfway through writing his will when the message says ‘seen’, and that’s almost enough for Lukas to stop, to not go through with it. The three little dots appear and the disappear, and Lukas thinks that maybe—just maybe—Philip still cares. But he never actually replies, so he carries on with his will, leaving everything he owns and all his money with not his dad, not his fiance, but with the one person he actually loves. Philip.

 

•

 

He’s halfway there. Standing on the roof of his fancy house, ready to jump, when he sees a car pull up in his driveway. It’s not his dad, and it’s not Deya’s, so he contemplates just jumping, not caring who it is, but as soon as the person steps out of the car, it’s almost like Lukas is frozen where he’s standing. 

 

“Lukas, get down right now!” Lukas shakes his head, squeezing his eyes closed so that he can’t see him. 

 

“Please, Lukas. There’s so much worth living for.” seeing Philip gives him shivers. It makes him shake so bad that a small drift of wind could push him off the roof. He can hear Philip’s voice from below him, but it’s like it isn’t registering. 

 

He takes a step closer to the edge.

 

“Lukas, can you please just come down? We can talk, we can sleep, we can do whatever you want, please just come down.” 

 

He doesn’t listen to Philip. Instead, he jumps.

•

 

He’s floating at first. Just drifting through what seems like a Utopia—except suddenly he can hear something in the distance. He can hear whimpering, the dry sobs of someone who’s been hurt. Then he can hear little beeps, and then there's this throbbing pain in his leg and in his head. And suddenly, he’s not floating. He’s falling, and then—

“Lukas? Lukas, can you hear me?” 

 

Lukas opens his eyes slightly, and looks around the room, stopping when he sees Philip.

 

“I’m– uh– Philip?” Lukas manages to croak out. 

 

“Sh, sh... don’t talk, let me get you some water, and a nurse.” Lukas just lets his head fall onto his pillow while Philip leaves the room. He lets his eyes close for a minute while he sorts out what’s going on. He is definitely not dead, he figures. And Philip sticked around to see if he was okay. He feels like he’s 18 again. Him and Philip on the run from Ryan, Lukas laying in the hospital until Ryan shows up. Except this time something is different. Ryan isn’t the killer. He is.

 

Lukas is almost asleep again when he feels Philip lightly touch his arm. “Here, drink this.” Philip hands him a little dixie cup filled with water. Lukas tries to sit up, but he does it too quickly and it makes his head pound harder. “My head…” 

 

Philip helps Lukas sit up so that he doesn’t get dizzy, and Lukas happily drinks the water. Philip sits down and watches as nurses and doctors come through Lukas’ room, writing things on a clipboard, or changing his IVs. Lukas sleeps for a while again, and Philip takes the opportunity to call his dad, but he doesn’t pick up. The hospital tells Philip that they’ve contacted Deya, but he’s not quite sure who that is. 

 

Lukas wakes up again when the pain medication is wearing off, and it's time for another dosage. The nurse comes in, gives it to him, and leaves, telling Philip she won’t be back for another half an hour. As the nurse leaves there’s an awkward silence in the room, Lukas looks at Philip through hooded eyelids. 

 

At the same time that Lukas says “I’m sorry,” Philip whispers, “Why?” 

 

Lukas takes a long sigh, and slowly props himself up in his hospital bed. “I-I didn’t feel like me anymore. I was stuck in this stupid routine, with a stupid fiance, who is a female by the way!”

 

“Deya?” Philip questions.

 

Lukas just nods, because he can already see the tears in Philip’s eyes, and he can’t make Philip cry. 

 

“Don’t cry.” he whispers. Philip darts his eyes to him. “Why? Why would you try to kill yourself? There’s always someone to talk to. ALWAYS.” 

 

“But there wasn’t. Philip, you left and I crashed. I fell into this downward spiral, this self destructive spiral, okay? My dad, he’s half dead and he thinks I’m straight and about to marry a girl! Philip, how could I talk to my dad if he’s drunk all the time? And Deya, how would I tell her that the reason I want to die is that I’m missing my ex-boyfriend who left me 4 years ago?”

 

“I didn’t leave you. We made that decision together, Lukas.” Philip’s crying but it’s silent tears, and it still breaks Lukas’ heart.

 

“I know, but ever since then, my life just doesn’t feel like it’s mine. I still love you, okay? I never stopped, and it hurt more and more all this time. It hurt because I was away from you, it hurt because I still love you and it hurt because I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and tell you how I was feeling. I hid. I hid from reality by-” 

 

Philip cuts him off, “By finding yourself another Rose, another girl to hide behind.”

 

“I needed someone to love me. And if that wasn’t Deya, maybe it could be my dad.” Lukas feels like a dick for crying because in reality he did this to himself, but he couldn’t help it.

 

“Lukas.” Philip whispers, but Lukas doesn’t hear him over the sobs. 

 

He whispers his name again, this time he stands up and moves closer to Lukas’s bed. 

 

“Luka, please listen to me for a second.” Lukas looks up at him, because it’s been 4 years since he’s heard that nickname. 

 

“Lukas, I thought you knew that you could always come to me, no matter if we were broken up, or fighting or whatever was going on, but I understand. I fell down too, I fell into a deep spiral after we broke up, except I had the support system I needed, and I really wish I could have given that to you too before you fell this far down. I’m here now, okay? I’m not going to go anywhere, because I still love you too, every guy I was with I was looking for you, and I couldn't do it. I missed you, I ached for you. After you’re out of here, we’ll do whatever you want, we can go visit Gabe and Helen, or your dad, but all I ask of you is that you go back to therapy, even if we go together, just for awhile until you’re feeling better, please Lukas?” 

 

Lukas is sobbing hard, and nodding and he grabs for Philip’s hand and all Philip is muttering is “it’s going to be okay Lukas, everything is going to be okay.” 

 

•

 

1 month later 

 

“How do you feel today, Lukas?” Lukas had kept his promise, and had gone back to therapy, just like Philip had kept his promise to stay by his side while he got better. Philip would definitely be lying if he says he hasn't felt like jumping Lukas’ bones for the past few weeks, but he had to let him get better before they did anything. No matter how much the other wanted to give in. 

 

“I’m good. I’m actually doing a lot better than I have in awhile.” Lukas says, and Philip grabs his hand. Lisa, the therapist, takes note of this. 

 

“Does this mean you two are together?” The question makes both boys blush, and even though they both know how each other feels, they feel embarrassed, just like they were back in highschool.

 

“No, we're waiting until I’m better.” Lukas says, and Lisa looks at him in shock.

 

“Lukas, you are doing much better than what you were when you first came here, unless you think there is something we should discuss I think you’re stable enough to handle a relationship.” Lisa smiles at the end, and Lukas turns to look directly at Philip.

 

“So, Philip will you be my boy-” Philip cuts him off by pressing his lips against Lukas’, taking in everything that he has been missing for the last 4 years, and everything he has been missing all these days helping Lukas get better. 

 

“Of course, I’ll always say yes.” Philip said when he finally broke away, blushing when he realized that they had an audience.

 

“Lukas, our hour is over, and may I recommend you come twice a month for just one more month, and then start coming in once a month after that? I’m really proud of your progress.” Lisa smiles, and hands him a slip with the date and time of his next appointment. 

 

“Thank you, Lisa.” Lukas says as they leave the office. 

•

 

One kiss and that was it. They were lost. They were basically undressing each other from down the hall to their apartment, Philip sighing when Lukas had to pull away to unlock their apartment door. 

 

“L-Lukas..” Philip half-mutters, half-moans once they're finally inside the apartment.

 

“Mhm?” 

 

“I love you.”

 

All Lukas does is nod in agreement, but Philip knows that he loves him too. They're just too focused on the fact that they're now on the bed, Lukas hovering over top of Philip. 

 

All their clothes are discarded onto the floor and they're both laying on the bed in their underwear. The thin pieces of fabric are the only thing between their hard, leaking cocks rubbing together.

 

They're both moaning, and Philip is starting to pull down his briefs for Lukas to prep him, but he stops halfway. “You want to do this, right?” 

 

Lukas has a flashback to their first time in the motel, when Philip was so gentle and so scared, but now it’s different, yet all the same. “Of course.” 

 

Philip’s briefs are off now, and Lukas is reaching for the bottle of lube that is in his nightstand, he pulls out a condom too, but Philip grabs his hand as their signal to put it away. 

 

“F-fuck.” Lukas’ cock jumps at the thought of having his bare cock buried in Philip’s ass. It's been too long, and Lukas had been craving this for 4 whole years.

 

Lukas is slow when he first enters his finger into Philip’s hole, trying not to hurt him, but the way that Philip grinds down hard on his finger tells him that he needs more. He adds another finger and thrusts them up hard, and he knows that he has hit Philip's prostate because he's crying out moans and begging for more. 

 

Lukas can't just ignore his requests, he takes off his boxers quickly, pumping his already hard cock, and lining it up with Philip's hole. Philip's still whimpering from the loss of fullness when Lukas starts to push in. Lukas swears he's going to cum just when he gets the tip in, because let's be honest, sex with Deya was the worst. 

 

He’s able to push the rest of himself in, and Philip is whimpering for more. “Move. Please Lukas.” 

 

Lukas starts moving, pulling all the way out and then slamming back in. Lukas only lasts a few thrusts, but as soon as Philip can feel Lukas’s come inside him he's done too. 

 

Lukas rolls over so that he's laying beside Philip, and Philip curls into his side. “Sorry,” Lukas whispers, “it's been awhile since I've had sex that I actually like.” 

 

Philip just laughs. 

 

They lay there for awhile until Philip breaks the silence. “A lot has happened this month.”

 

“Yeah.” Lukas says lazily, and then adds, “I feel bad for hurting Deya though, she really didn't see it coming.” 

 

Philip laughs. “Really? I thought her throwing all your stuff out onto the lawn was a normal reaction.” 

 

Lukas shakes his head and starts rubbing patterns onto Philip's back. “Yeah, but I got to move in with you.” 

 

“True, and your dad, he's doing better… they say.” 

 

“They've said that before,” Lukas sighs, “but at least he seems okay with us this time.” 

 

“It's cause I saved your life.” Philip says, more as a joke, but it comes out more serious. 

 

“You always have, Philip. You always will.” Lukas kisses the top of his head, and pulls the blanket over top of them. 

 

“Goodnight, Lukas.” Philip yawns.

 

“I love you baby. Goodnight.” Lukas cuddles just a little bit closer to Philip now, even though he knows full well that he isn't going anywhere. 

 

 

Le fin!


End file.
